Illegal Immigration: The Unsung Hero of Britain’s Black Market Crime Boom! (Satire of Course!) By Richard Miller (Londonistan)
Oh my Britain, land of tea, crumpets, and a black market economy so vibrant it could make a hedge fund manager blush! According to a dazzling report from the National Centre for Social Research (NatCen), our underground economy has ballooned to a jaw-dropping £260 billion a year, and we have illegal immigration to thank for this economic miracle! Forget the City of London's pinstriped bankers, step aside for the real MVPs: the undocumented workers toiling away in cannabis farms, drug factories, laundrettes, and fast-fashion sweatshops. Where would we be without this shadowy economic renaissance?
Let's take a moment to applaud the sheer ingenuity of it all. The Sun on Sunday, that bastion of high finance, reports that one in ten Brits is now dabbling in the black market, an 80% surge since 2016. And who's driving this entrepreneurial explosion? Why, the illegal migrants crossing the Channel in their trusty dinghies, of course! French prosecutor Pascal Marconville let slip that smuggling networks are practically running a temp agency, trading boat rides for gigs in Britain's underground economy. It's like Uber, but with higher stakes and worse life jackets. These migrants aren't just crossing borders; they're crossing into economic stardom, powering industries from Leicester's sweatshops to the nation's finest illegal laundromats.
Now, some naysayers, like that Reform UK chap Nigel Farage, whine that this £260 billion black market is a problem, costing the Treasury £2.2 billion in dodged taxes. Pfft, taxes! Who needs them when you've got an underground economy that's practically a national treasure? Without illegal migration, where would we source our discount trainers stitched by nimble fingers in multicultural metropolises? The 2020 Centre for Social Justice report noted thousands of modern slaves in fast fashion; sure, "slavery" sounds bad, but think of the bargains! High street prices would skyrocket without this noble workforce. And don't get me started on the cannabis farms. Without them, Britain's herbal enthusiasts might have to pay market rates. Perish the thought!
Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer, bless his heart, promised to "smash" the smuggling gangs, but let's be real: those gangs are the unsung logistics coordinators of this economic boom. Over 16,000 migrants have made it to our shores this year alone, a record-breaking feat that's got the black market purring like a well-oiled engine. Sure, Starmer's Treasury minister got a bit confused, claiming most of these folks are "children, babies, and women," when government stats show 73% are men. But who's counting? Numbers are just details, and details don't matter when you're running a quarter-trillion-pound shadow empire.
Farage moans that British workers are being "shafted" by this cheap labour, but let's flip the script: these migrants are saving us from the tyranny of fair wages! Why pay a brickie a living wage when you can hire an undocumented hero to build your garden wall for a fraction of the cost? The social contract? Overrated. Tax-paying citizens might feel a tad miffed, footing the bill for migrant hotels while their jobs are undercut, but they're missing the bigger picture. Those four-star hotels with PlayStations and NHS services? They're not handouts, they're investments in the black market's future!
And let's not forget the cultural enrichment. Without illegal migration, we'd miss out on the vibrant diversity of underground laundrettes and cannabis grow-ops. The Home Office, in its infinite wisdom, might call this a "criminal economy," but we call it a creative solution to Britain's economic woes! Leaving the European Convention on Human Rights, as Farage suggests, would only cramp our style. Why deport these economic trailblazers when they're keeping the black market's fires burning?
So here's to illegal immigration, the unsung hero of Britain's underground economy. Without it, we'd be stuck with boring, tax-paying industries and a Treasury that actually collects its dues. Where's the fun in that? Let's raise a glass, or better yet, a dodgy vape from a Leicester sweatshop, to the black market's unstoppable rise. Britain's decline? No mate, it's just a glow-up in disguise. Where would we be without our vibrant, vibrating illegal migrants?
"Illegal immigration is fuelling the ballooning black market economy in Britain, which now stands at over a quarter of a trillion pounds sterling per year, a report has found.
According to an upcoming report from the independent National Centre for Social Research (NatCen) organisation, the number of people involved in the black market economy has grown by 80 per cent since 2016. The report found that as many as one in ten adults in Britain are connected to the underground economy.
The Sun on Sunday newspaper reported that NatCen claimed that this has resulted in the black market expanding to a staggering £260 billion industry, enabling delinquent businesses to avoid around £2.2 billion in tax every year. The social research organisation specifically pointed to the illegal migrant crisis in recent years as a top contributor to the burgeoning black market.
Previously, French prosecutor Pascal Marconville claimed that people smuggling networks operating on both sides of the English Channel often trade passage to impoverished illegals in exchange for them signing up to work in the underground economy in Britain, such as in cannabis farms, laundrettes, or restaurants to pay the debt incurred for gaining access to their small boat network.
Illegal migration has also been tied to the fast fashion industry, with thousands of modern slaves working in sweatshops in multicultural cities like Leicester, according to a 2020 report from the Centre for Social Justice.
Though British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer campaigned in last year's general election on a pledge to "smash" the people smuggling gangs behind the illegal boat migrant crisis, the number of illegals successfully reaching UK shores from the beaches of France have continued to grow, hitting a record high for this time of year of over 16,000 since January.
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The report comes as the governing left-wing Labour Party has come under criticism after Treasury minister Darren Jones claimed that the majority of illegal migrants crossing the Channel are "children, babies and women". This was contradicted by the government's own figures, which found that last year over seven in ten illegal boat migrants were males, or 26,999 out of all 36,816 illicit arrivals.
Commenting on the report, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage told The Sun on Sunday: "The British people are being taken for fools again. We already know that our borders are in chaos. But, thanks to successive Labour and Tory governments, those arriving then go on to work illegally on the £260 billion black market economy."
"And all the while we pay for their accommodation. Nearly 40,000 boat migrants have arrived since Labour came to power — and numbers are up 40 per cent on this time last year. How many of these already work on the black market without paying tax? Labour has long championed the mantra of British jobs for British workers. But brickies and builders are being undercut by illegal labour.
Britain is in social and economic decline. The social contract is stretched to its limits. People that pay their taxes and play by the rules increasingly feel shafted.Yes, these migrants may be victims of exploitation — but they are also part of the criminal economy. Unscrupulous bosses are laughing all the way to the bank while British workers get priced out again."
Mr Farage said that the only means of solving the crisis would be to immediately deport anyone who enters the country illegally and to leave the deportation-blocking European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR) and its associated court in Strasbourg, which Britain is still a member of despite Brexit as it is technically a separate institution from the EU.
The Reform boss remarked: "Keir Starmer's soft touch is laughable. He promised to smash the gangs — but all he has smashed are illegal immigration records."
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