Diversity is Our Strength! Let's Test It by Relocating Somalia to Minnesota – A Modest Proposal, By Charles Taylor (Florida)
Ah, "diversity is our strength." It's the mantra chanted from every progressive podium, the bumper sticker on every electric SUV, the hashtag that turns viral faster than a cat video. But what if we took it seriously? I mean, really seriously. Not just a sprinkle of cultural festivals or a dash of international cuisine at the local food truck rally. No, let's go all in. Let's move the entire nation of Somalia – all 18 million souls, give or take a few – straight to the heartland of America! Specifically, Minnesota. Why Minnesota? Well, they've already got a head start with nearly 80,000 Somali-descended residents, and according to fresh data from the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS), it's working out splendidly. Or so the narrative goes.
Picture this: A grand experiment in hyper-diversity. We charter a fleet of cargo ships, planes, and maybe a few magic carpets for flair. We uproot Somalia's bustling markets, its sun-baked savannas, and its vibrant clan networks, and plop them down amid the snowy prairies of the Land of 10,000 Lakes. No more pesky oceans or borders getting in the way of unity. Somalia becomes the 51st state – or better yet, merges with Minnesota to form "Minnesomalia." The state bird? A hybrid of the common loon and the Somali ostrich. The motto? "L'Étoile du Nord ("Star of the North"... and Also the Horn of Africa."
Now, before anyone clutches their pearls about "logistics" or "feasibility," let's remember: Diversity isn't just a buzzword; it's a superpower. The CIS data tells us that 81% of Somali-headed households in Minnesota are tapping into welfare programs – 27% on cash assistance, 54% on food stamps, 73% on Medicaid. Compare that to native-born Minnesotans at a measly 21%. Critics might call this a burden, but optimists see opportunity! Imagine scaling that up. With the full Somali population in tow, Minnesota's welfare system could become a global beacon of generosity. Taxpayers from Duluth to Detroit would thrill at the chance to fund this grand tapestry of human experience. After all, who needs fiscal responsibility when you've got cultural enrichment?
And the kids! Oh, the children are the future. The data shows 89% of Somali households with kiddos are on welfare, with 86% on Medicaid. Native families? Just 30%. This isn't disparity; it's diversity in action. Think of the playgrounds: Little Lars learning to share his lutefisk with young Abdi, while debating the merits of clan loyalty versus Lutheran potlucks. Education? Somali refugees boast a 40% no-high-school-diploma rate, versus 5% for natives. Perfect! This levels the playing field by reminding everyone that diplomas are just colonial constructs anyway. We'll rename the University of Minnesota to the University of Minnesomalia and offer majors in "Amoral Familism 101" – because, as Ayaan Hirsi Ali points out, why build a nation when you can divvy up the aid pie by family ties?
Language barriers? Pish-posh. Nearly 60% of Somalis in Minnesota speak English less than "very well," even after a decade. But in our new utopia, we'll make Somali the official language. Road signs in dual script: "Yield" becomes "Iska yaree." It'll foster empathy – natives fumbling through phrases like "Waan ku jeclahay welfare" (I love welfare). Poverty rates? Somalis at 66%, natives at under 20%. This isn't inequality; it's incentive for innovation. Minnesotans can pivot to new industries, like importing qat leaves or mediating clan disputes as a side hustle.
Of course, sceptics like that blunt fellow Trump might grumble about "fracture" over "cohesion." But progressives know better. As Barack Obama waxed poetic about his grand "experiment" in mixing every corner of the globe, why stop at a trickle? Flood the zone! Gov. Tim Walz is already on board, cheering for more arrivals amid scandals. Why not the whole kit and caboodle? Elite progressives could finally govern the chaotic diversity they've imported – overseeing billion-dollar aid flows, excusing cultural quirks, and expanding power. It's not sabotage; it's synergy.
And for those worried aboutrace vilification laws – or any such suppressions of free speech – rest assured,no one's vilifying; we're celebrating! Diversity isn't just strength; it's steroids for society! If Somalia's clannish vibe turned their homeland into a cautionary tale, imagine the remix in the Midwest. Hotdish with a side of khat? Yum! Sign me up!
In the end, if "diversity is our strength" holds water, Minnesomalia will be a paradise. If not... well, at least it'll make for great reality TV. Who's in? Pack your bags, Somalia – Minnesota's waiting with open arms and an open cheque book!
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