While the rest of the world is busy worrying about minor inconveniences — like the escalating tensions in the Middle East or the fact that "limited tactical strikes" is the new way to say "good morning" — our Commander-in-Chief, Trump, has swooped in to save our attention spans.

Forget the mushroom clouds; let's talk about the silver saucers.

From "The Art of the Deal" to "The Art of the Declassify"

In a move that surprised absolutely no one who has been paying attention to the 2026 bingo card, President Trump has officially ordered the "Secretary of War" (and presumably the Space Force, because they need something to do besides looking cool in Velcro) to release the UFO files.

Why now? Is it because we're on the brink of a global conflict that could turn the planet into a very expensive charcoal briquette? Don't be silly. It's because there is — and I quote — "tremendous interest." And he's right! I, for one, am far more interested in whether ET has a cloaking device than whether my local grocery store will still exist in six months. It's the ultimate "Look, a squirrel!" — except the squirrel is an interdimensional biological entity and it's being live-streamed on Truth Social.

Why Aliens Are the Perfect "Bread and Circuses"

In ancient Rome, they used gladiators. In 2026, we use UAPs. Here is why "Project Disclosure" is the greatest distraction since the invention of the 24-hour news cycle:

The Ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" Card: Trump mentioned he might declassify the files just to get Obama "out of trouble" for his recent podcast leaks. It's a classic move: turn a potential world-ending geopolitical disaster into a petty squabble between neighbours over who told the secret about the neighbour's weird pet first.

The "Vastness" Defence: While diplomats argue over borders on a map, the government can now point to the sky and say, "Look how small your problems are! Statistically, the universe is huge! Who cares about a no-fly zone in Iran when there's a 'non-blurry' photo of a Tic-Tac performing 90-degree turns at Mach 20?"

A New Enemy (Or Friend!): If we're going to have a World War, wouldn't it be much more cinematic if it involved a "Galactic Federation"? It really takes the sting out of a draft notice if you think you're signing up to be Star-Lord rather than a trench-digger.

The "Sheeple" Menu: What to Expect Next

If you're still worried about the "bad things" Trump warned Iran about, you're clearly not consuming enough content. To keep the masses properly sedated while the doomsday clock ticks its final "tock," I predict the following releases:

1.The Kennedy Files (Again): Because nothing says "peace in our time" like re-litigating a 60-year-old cold case.

2.Loch Ness Live-Stream: High-definition footage of a log, brought to you by the Department of the Interior.

3.Bigfoot's Tax Returns: Finally, the transparency we deserve.

Pro Tip: If you see a glowing orb in the sky, don't worry about whether it's a hypersonic missile or a visitor from Polaris. Just remember: as long as we're talking about aliens, we're not talking about the fallout.

So, grab your popcorn and your tin-foil hats. The world might be ending, but at least the season finale is going to be out of this world. Literally!

REAL TRUTH FROM THE DESK OF THE 47th PRESIDENT

The Radical Left and the Fake News Media are SHAKING right now because they couldn't get the deal done! They spent 75 years hiding the Truth from the Great American People because they didn't have the GUTS or the STAMINA to sit down with the Visitors.

I just finished a very long, very productive meeting with the Supreme Commander of the Zog-5 Fleet (a very high-energy guy, very advanced, frankly much smarter than "Low IQ" Biden or the Deep State warmongers). We met at a secret location — very beautiful, very secure — and we've reached a HISTORIC agreement!

But a little later Trump writes: THE GALACTIC DEEDS (THE BEST DEALS IN THE UNIVERSE):

TRUMP INTERSTELLAR TARIFFS: We are putting a 200% Tariff on all Martian imports. We don't want their "Red Rock" technology undercutting our great American miners!

SPACE WALL: We're building a big, beautiful, Invisible Particle Shield around the atmosphere. It's going to be Made in America, and the Andromeda Galaxy is going to pay for it!

THE EXCHANGE: In exchange for the secret to Zero-Point Energy (which is much better than "Windmills" that kill all the birds), I've agreed to give them the rights to film a season of The Apprentice on the Dark Side of the Moon. Ratings will be HUGE!

The "War Mongers" want you to look at the Middle East—BORING! They want you to worry about WWIII — TOTAL HOAX! Why fight over a desert when I just negotiated the rights to a Gold-Plated Asteroid the size of Texas?

The UFO Greys told me, they said, "Mr. President, we've watched Earth for a long time, and we've never seen a leader with such a magnificent head of hair or such a firm handshake." Even the aliens know it's AMERICA FIRST!