Once hailed as one of the world's most liveable cities, Melbourne's charm, its vibrant culture, affordable living, and robust infrastructure, has been eroded by decades of mismanagement, earning it the grim nickname "Hellbourne." A city that thrived as a creative hub with a multicultural pulse, is now buckling under the weight of relentless population growth, economic missteps, and tone-deaf governance. With unemployment soaring, productivity tanking, and energy costs spiking, Melbourne is teetering on the edge of a Third-World crisis. How did a city once synonymous with opportunity become a cautionary tale of decline?
Twenty years ago, Melbourne was a beacon of liveability. Affordable housing, a thriving arts scene, and efficient public transport made it a magnet for creatives and families alike. As David Llewellyn-Smith notes, it was a "cheap and thriving creative centre with excess infrastructure, booming multicultural success and a lifestyle to burn." Fast forward to 2025, and the city is unrecognizable. Population growth has been explosive, 2 million added this century, with projections of 9 million by 2056. This unchecked expansion, driven by an immigration-led growth model, has overwhelmed infrastructure, driven housing costs to unsustainable levels, and fuelled social disintegration.
Crime has surged, with incidents like burglary and car theft rising from 131,140 in 2015 to 176,729 in 2024, while Sydney's comparable figures dropped. Machete-wielding gangs and e-bike posses mock law enforcement, contributing to a "sunken, pretentious hostility" that pervades the city. Public transport, once a point of pride, is now overcrowded and unreliable, with commuters lamenting the "asphyxiation on body odour." The Yarra River, once a picturesque centrepiece, is dismissed as "dirty, muddy," and the city's narrow streets are cold, windy, and shadowed by towering buildings. Melbourne's cultural edge has been dulled by a "bourgeois sensibility" that stifles creativity and affordability.
The moniker "Hellbourne" isn't just hyperbole; it's a reflection of policy failures that have systematically undermined the city's liveability. The Albanese government's high migration policy, 535,000 net arrivals in 2022-23 and 435,000 in 2023-24, has exacerbated a housing crisis, with a 1.3 million dwelling shortfall and only 3,000 social housing units built annually against a need for 45,000. Rents have surged 60% since COVID lows, and home prices are 70% higher than a decade ago, locking out first-time buyers and pushing homelessness to record levels. Over 122,000 Australians are homeless, with 74% of those seeking help being women and children, yet services face a $450 million funding gap.
Victoria's state government, under Labor's long reign, has compounded the problem. Premier Jacinta Allan's plan to enshrine a two-day work-from-home right in law, announced on August 2, 2025, is a bizarre distraction from pressing issues like unemployment, the highest in Australia, and plummeting productivity. State debt is ballooning, and incomes are the lowest nationally, yet the government's response is to chase "KPIs for happiness" through Lord Mayor Nick Reece's M2050 Summit. This Orwellian push to make Melbourne the "most optimistic city" reeks of denial, ignoring the reality of soaring energy costs, up 12-30% in the next year, as Victoria's gas runs dry and coal plants close.
The $382 million spent on "treaty negotiations" for a minority group, despite public opposition, exemplifies misallocated resources. Meanwhile, infrastructure projects lag, turning Melbourne into a "permanent construction site" that disrupts daily life without delivering promised benefits. As comedian Simon Taylor lamented, "When does the serenity of day-to-day life factor into the overall construction equation?" The answer seems to be never, as policymakers choose population growth over quality of life.
The term "Third-World hell hole" isn't just rhetoric; it captures Melbourne's slide into dysfunction. Overcrowding, crime, and infrastructure strain mirror the challenges of under-resourced cities in developing nations. Homelessness is a stark indicator, one in ten Australians, over 2.7 million people, fear losing their homes, and services like Orange Sky report a 13% weekly increase in first-time users. The city's economic model, reliant on immigration and financialisation, has crushed productivity, with per capita GDP declining for six straight quarters. Energy price shocks, driven by gas cartel profiteering and the shift to costly LNG imports, threaten to deepen poverty.
Social cohesion is fraying. Online sentiments describe Melbourne as "crowded and dirty," with a "huge chip on its shoulder" and a culture of "snobbery" and "racial discrimination." The 2009 attacks on Indian students, and ongoing gang violence, highlight a city struggling with its multicultural identity. The glorification of past leaders like Dan Andrews, awarded the highest civilian honour despite overseeing financial mismanagement and lockdown fallout, feels like "gaslighting" to residents grappling with a city "unrecognizable from pre-COVID years."
Defenders of Melbourne argue it retains vibrancy. Posts on X celebrate its buzzing streets and cultural events like the Lions Tour 2025, with some calling it "more European than Europe." The city's food scene is still world-class, and its nightlife outshines Sydney's. Migration, they argue, fuels economic growth, with skilled migrants contributing $249,000 each to budgets over their lifetimes. But these strengths are overshadowed by practical realities: cultural vibrancy doesn't pay rent, and migration's benefits are diluted by infrastructure deficits and social strain. Even optimists admit the city feels "angry" and "crowded" post-COVID.
Melbourne's descent into "Hellbourne" isn't irreversible, but it demands bold action. Slash migration to pre-COVID levels, around 100,000 or less annually, until housing and infrastructure catch up. Build 25,000 social housing units yearly, as advocated by Everybody's Home, and reform tax policies like negative gearing that inflate prices. Break the gas cartel to stabilise energy costs, and value productivity over population growth. Above all, abandon the "happiness KPIs" and focus on measurable outcomes: affordable homes, safe streets, and reliable services.
Melbourne was once marvellous because it balanced growth with liveability. Now, mismanagement threatens to cement its reputation as a Third-World hell hole. The city's residents deserve better than platitudes about optimism, they need a government that faces reality and acts with urgency. Without change, Hellbourne will be more than a nickname; it'll be Melbourne's future, if not already.
https://www.macrobusiness.com.au/2025/08/welcome-to-helbourne-the-happy/
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